It's 3 am and I'm not exactly lonely... hahaha. Sorry, it was there, right? It really is 3 am and I'm awake from a phone call from J. Tonight has been such a reassuring night. I don't really know how else to put it. I was convinced he was pulling away and edging out of the relationship and boom! all the sudden we have a night where everything clicks again and it feels natural without a hint of it being forced. I know it's going to take a while to fix this. It took a while to crack it in the first place. I'd say a good month of not really talking deserves a month of non-stop conversation.
To say I'm insecure about my place in his life is an understatement. I'm so used to people walking away that it's hard for me to believe that he doesn't want to. I've always been a bit of a loner because of that and I'm pretty okay with that. Unfortunately, it's not exactly working for me, so change must occur. I hate change. Seriously. I fight it like none other and if I would just put that same effort I put into resisting change into adapting to it, I probably would be much more... happier. (Gimme a break, it's 3 am and I'm bleary-eyed ish) I keep trying the take a deep breath method whenever I get the knee jerk reaction to run away from things and thus far it's working. I'm a runner and I need to knock that shit off. No one on this planet is going to be perfect - we all have our flaws - but that doesn't mean there isn't someone out there who is perfect for me and from what I can tell, J is. I could even go so far as to say, he might even be my destiny. I know I can learn from him and I hope he can from me.
I don't know what else to write, so for now, I'll say good-night. Today might be one of those "blog twice in one day" days... I know, right? How self-indulgent can I get?! :)
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