Breathe

It's been one hell of a week. Confusing emotionally, upsetting, and just exhausting. I started work this week and it went really well. I'm learning things, but I'm still scared that I'm not going to be able to do it. But the biggest thing that happened is that L's grandpa died. Not my dad... Lo's dad. I really loved D. He wasn't the most well-spoken man, but he was a sweet man who loved me like a daughter. L's been freaking out all week. I'm trying so hard to be there for him, but I'm just as upset. The confusing part is how much I want to be there for Lo. We've been divorced for 5 years next month and I still call him my husband. I still love him unconditionally, but I'm not IN love with him. I've learned my lesson to stay away from him, but knowing another woman is taking care of him and standing where I should be just pisses me off to no end. I don't know how people can be married more than once... I have so much trouble accepting that I'm not married anymore. I know I'm not, but I'm still scared I'm going to hell for having left him. He asked me to though, and I would have done anything to make him happy. *sigh* Doesn't help that he was abusive...

Because

Well, I've moved. Officially out of Iowa and into Wisconsin. I never EVER want to move again. It's such an awful stress basket that isn't necessary. The next time I move, it will be into a house that I intend to die in. And hopefully, no one will bail on me that time. Yeah, I had a helper all set up until she texts me a half hour before she was going to be there to say that she was too sick to help. I have trouble believing that. She set it up a couple of days before that she was getting sick and then told me she'd be there... *sigh* I hate being lied to. Especially by someone who's supposed to be my friend. Thankfully, S helped me out by leaving work, cause there is no way I could have done it on my own. I called her crying and begging for help..

I actually just left Iowa for the last time yesterday. Saying goodbye to S was so difficult. I dreaded it and I'm still waiting for it to sink in. I don't know if or when it's going to.

Someone Like You

Well, I have less than a week left here in Iowa. Thanks to my obsessive nature, my house is completely packed, except for a few choice items. I'm ready to be out of here, and I'm finally looking forward to it. I have a job now and a lovely home that I'll be moving into next Tuesday. Don't worry, I'll keep updating for my small audience.

Tonight Lo and I sat down with our boy and talked about how we're still a family and that he'll still get to see his dad even though we're moving 425 miles away. *sigh* L is so nervous about this move and I wish I could make it better for him. He's made so many good friends this year and I wish he could take them with him, but I trust in providence that he will make new friends quickly.

The only downside to this move (other than no longer living with S) is that our annoying neighbors got evicted last weekend and I don't even get to enjoy their absence. Granted, my other neighbors on the other side put on a damn good show today by screaming loud enough at each other for me to make out words. Golly. I am not going to miss these people. I'm not going to miss the bitchy pre-teen and teenaged girls who like to torture my child for fun either.

Anywho... that's about it for now.

Saul, Saul was verfolgst du mich?

This move is driving me insane. I haven't re-read my last entry to ensure no repeats, but I'm moving in 2 weeks. You really can't blame me... much. My entire life is all packed up. I'm waiting to hear on the apartment and I'm starting to freak out. I have only a few clothing articles left in my closet - most of which are work clothes. I have one pair of pajamas out, no books (oh I'll get to books next) or movies and just a few things left out. I just hope my move goes smoothly. I hope. I hope. I hope.
Books. Oh god am I ashamed. I read the Twilight Saga. I am so ashamed at how much I loved them. I am an intelligent, well educated woman and things like this should NOT hold any water with me. But God I loved it. I loved the whole story even though the writing was like a 5 year old had written it. It was so good. I let my inner 14 year old out and now she just wants more more more. So I'm renting the movies through Netflix and then I'm pretty positive I will want them for Christmas along with Harry Potter. *sigh* I hate being reminded that I am such a girl. But like my cousin reminded me, everyone needs a little junk food every now and then.

I've noticed an increase in the number of married men who are hitting on me. It went from none to 3-4 a week. I don't get it. I'm not interested and I would really like to know where they're getting the idea that I would be interested in saving them from the monotony of their marriages. I'm really not. I'll be friends with pretty much anyone, but I'm not going to be the woman who breaks apart a marriage or worse, a family. I just don't get it though. Yes, I have a thing for older men, but I didn't think I had to specify that they be single as well. I honestly believed that was a given. Unfortunately, I am like a lightning rod for the lecherous men of my current area. The one that upsets me the most is that one of them is a friend of mine from high school. I don't want to break up his marriage. He just had a baby for Christ's sake. I just want him to be a happy man with his new family and to watch from the sidelines. And the biggest issue with all of this is J. I'm not even available. I'm just in a long-distance relationship. It certainly doesn't mean I'm available in the slightest. I just wish these "outstanding" examples of manhood would just work on their marriages and making their wives happy instead of turning to me in the hopes that I will make things better for them only. *sigh*

I'm no Superman

It's autumn. 3 years ago I told my father to never contact me ever again. I'm about to move and he'll have no idea where I am. I like that. See, he's an alcoholic. He told me I should have been aborted or at least he let his wife say it. I don't know. It was in an email. I haven't heard from him though in the last 3 years. I have nightmares where he shows up at my house and demands that I let him in. I would never let him in. But, I have to admit, I miss him. This time of year is especially difficult for me because of this. He had been so good for so long that when he leapt off the wagon, I barely knew what hit me. I'm terrified of alcohol because of him. I worry about my brothers because of him. I worry about my child's future choices because of him. It's not fair. I lost my father figure when I was 15 and my grandpa died. I thought I had forged a relationship with my biological father that could possibly be somewhat normal. His sudden change over the course of a month... it felt like a punch to the gut. I was winded... for a long time.

Wake me up when September ends

I know I haven't written much this month. Truth be told, I'm so overwhelmed with what's going on that I don't know what to write. I may have found a place to live in Wisconsin, I have a job lined up, I'm way ahead of schedule in packing and I reserved the moving truck. It's all just so much and I don't know what to do to calm myself down. I spent a whirlwind weekend up north last weekend and it was so exhausting because it was so busy. I ended up sleeping all day on Monday. I felt awful calling in to work, but I couldn't possibly make it through the day without falling asleep at my desk. I'm finally rested though.

I'm kind of freaking out because I'm going to be losing my health insurance as of tomorrow. I don't know what the deal is. I've been calling and calling and calling to find out what's going on and of course no one calls me back. *sigh* So, hopefully I will be able to get this fixed. I hate bureauocracy.

I like you so much better when you're naked

Work is pissing me off. I've been busting my ass this week, trying to get things done, but does my boss care that I have class tonight? Oh hell no. He asked me which was more important, my class or my job. So instead tonight I'm working in place of going to class. I am NOT amused. I don't care what he says or asks or offers, I am not not not going to work on Friday. I am finally going home for the first time in nearly a year and I'm not going to have him ruin it. He can be as unpleasant as he wants.. I'll just ignore him. Okay.. rant done.

Everybody Hurts

I'm in a mood today... it might be because I forgot to take my meds a few days this week, but I think a lot of it has to do with the weather. It's gloomy and icky and blah outside today. To be honest, I usually prefer these days to sunny days cause I hate how bright the sun is. Anywho... my room is mostly packed.. I have to go through my clothing and put away the spring/summer clothing and take out the fall/winter stuff so that I can declare that part of packing done, but I've got my enormous piles of goodwill clothing ready to go. I am so happy I'm getting rid of so much. I'm even getting rid of my wedding dress. I should have done it a while ago, but I wasn't ready to. I know I finally am though. It's been 5 years since the divorce and it's time. I don't have a daughter who is going to want to wear it someday either, so I see no reason to keep it. I'm totally getting a receipt for it though... it's a $1200 dress. I'm going to be claiming it on my taxes.

I was treated to white trash theater this morning at 4am. Once of my neighbors was screaming into her cell phone with her... significant other? I'm not sure who, but good lord it was annoying. I'm not a fan of being awakened in the middle of the night to begin with, but when you're yelling at your boyfriend outside at 4am cause you don't want to wake your family up, but have no problem waking your neighbors, I get a little pissy. So, then, the neighbor guy (who is a total douche on most occasions) pokes his head outside and tells her to be quiet cause he has to work in the morning (total lie), and she calls him a fag (which now makes her dead to me) and a liar and to mind his own business. I'm sorry, but when you have a public argument on your cell phone and then with your children, it becomes the neighborhood's business. So I called the cops, and douche called the cops and I'm pretty sure she got a ticket for disturbing the peace. God, I can't imagine why I would want to move away from all this. *sigh*

My mother reminded me of the time my brother, P, met J. Apparently, L had been so excited that Uncle P was coming for a visit, but by the time P arrived, J was over and they were reading a book together and L was so happy he could have cared less that Uncle P was there. I had completely forgotten about that, but it's such a good sign for the future. Especially when L still feels the same way now. :)

The Dog Days Are Over

Summer has come to its close and I'm packing up my home for a move to Wisconsin. I don't know how this is all going to work. I'm nervous and scared and unsure as to whether this is the right move. Even my mother has raised her concerns as to how well I will be able to handle being so close to her. A question that my therapist, S and I have raised, but it's more important for L to be close to family and support than it is for me to have a 600 + mile barrier between myself and her. Who knows, it might only be for a few years if J and I end up getting married or just living with one another. Nonetheless, I need to get out of here. It feels like a cage and that's just not fair to me or to L. I need to feel free to explore my talent and my life more fully and here in DSM I'm just stifled and cramped and feeling like I have no where to go but to stagnate and I won't do that to myself. Ideally, I would be moving in with J, but neither of us is ready for that stage. It would just be nice if I could see him on a somewhat regular schedule.

I've been missing him a lot lately. I don't know why.. I know I can talk to him pretty much whenever I feel like it. I guess it's just the physical aspect... not sex you dirty monkeys, but rather holding his hand, giving him a hug when he comes home from work, kissing him goodnight, being able to look at him when he talks. Just little things like that. I miss watching a movie with him and sharing a bowl of popcorn. I get to see him next month when we all are planning to go to visit him. It will be so nice to see him. :)

Lump

Well, so much for my plan to move in with J next spring... I'm moving to Appleton instead in December. Mainly, the reason is that S's grandmother isn't doing too well and she's going to go and live with her. I also think this might just be a good idea. I keep hearing statistics about how couples who live together prior to marriage are more likely to get a divorce later on and I don't want that for J and I. I want us to work because I don't want to lose my best friend to stupidity and being headstrong. I'm just impatient about things sometimes. I'd like to think he gets that way too, but he's much more timid than I am. He thinks things through more and that's good for me. It balances my impulsiveness and that's such a good thing. I'm just hoping this is the right choice. I hate the idea of packing up and moving, only to have to pack up and move again. I want stability for L and moving over and over again is not going to be help me create that for him.

So, I'm taking a developmental psych class, and I've come to the conclusion that outside of the initial trust vs mistrust crisis of the Erikson model of development, I have failed all the stages/crises that have come my way. I'm a little horrified that I'm failing life thus far, but you know, I'm not exactly surprised. *le sigh*

Thekla: Eine Geisterstimme

So, I was listening to music today and this popped up on my iPod. I cannot get it out of my head. It's so pretty, so ethereal, and naturally macabre. It's basically what a spirit would say if brought forth in a seance. Very cool. I'd translate it if I really felt like taking the time. Sorry kids...

Wo ich sei, und wo mich hingewendet,

Als mein flüchtiger Schatten dir entschwebt?
Hab' ich nicht beschlossen und geendet,
Hab' ich nicht geliebet und gelebt?


Willst du nach den Nachtigallen fragen,
Die mit seelenvoller Melodie
Dich entzückten in des Lenzes Tagen?
Nur so lang' sie liebten, waren sie.


Ob ich den Verlorenen gefunden?
Glaube mir, ich bin mit ihm vereint,
Wo sich nicht mehr trennt, was sich verbunden,
Dort, wo keine Träne wird geweint.


Dorten wirst auch du uns wieder finden,
Wenn dein Lieben unserm Lieben gleicht;
Dort ist auch der Vater, frei von Sünden,
Den der blut'ge Mord nicht mehr erreicht.

Und er fühlt, daß ihn kein Wahn betrogen,
Als er aufwärts zu den Sternen sah;
Denn, wie jeder wägt, wird ihm gewogen,
Wer es glaubt, dem ist das Heil'ge nah.

Wort gehalten wird in jenen Räumen
Jedem schönen, gläubigen Gefühl;
Wage du zu irren und zu träumen,
Hoher Sinn liegt oft [in kind'schem]1 Spiel.

Ain't No Rest For The Wicked

Talked with J tonight. I really miss him. I know he misses me too. I'm just lonesome I suppose. So much has happened in the last week and all I really need is him to talk to about it. He reminds me that reality exists, but that it's not that bad. My head still may go into the clouds from time to time, but he knows when to bring me back down. I'd also like a hug and kiss and a "it'll be alright" from him. I've done very well about not breaking down over all this, but it's just so hard not to. E is so excited that I'm coming home. She's looking for housing and jobs for me and it's really quite sweet of her, I just... I wish it weren't happening so quickly. I hate that L has to switch schools midyear. I remember doing that myself as a child and I always felt so awkward and uncomfortable. *sigh* I guess the best I can do is tell him I love him and that I will always love him.

Requiem for a Dream

In the last week I've had to give up my dreams of being a college professor and I've decided to move home to Appleton next spring. To be honest, I'm heartbroken. I haven't let anyone know how upset I am. There's no point because it's not going to help anything if I tell everyone how horribly unfair it is. I'm trying to look forward to this next step, but it's difficult when I realize that this is as far as it goes for me. There's a part of me that wishes I'd never had L so I could be as selfish with my time as I like. However, that eliminates the best thing in my life. It's his turn to be the rockstar and my time to grow up and be a parent, not some child chasing after unattainable dreams. Doesn't change the fact that it hurts. It's excruciating.

It doesn't help that I'm lonely too. In planning this move home, I've had to realize just how lonely I am. I never see my close friends other than S. In moving home, I get so many friends back, not to mention family members. I'll actually get to see P when he comes home and I'll get to spend time with B and my nephew. I'll even be able to go see J on a regular basis. I'm trying to find the positive side of this whole thing... I'm trying.

Creep

*sigh* I'm giving up on grad school. K gave me a "come-to-Jesus" talk and I had to listen. I didn't enjoy having reality thrown at me, but she's right. Going to grad school right now would be selfish and wrong. L deserves a childhood with his mom around, so I'm going to do my best and make things work for us. I'm just really scared that I'll never get to follow through with my dreams. I'm going to start my voice studio and I'm going to join a professional choir and I'm going to take voice lessons. I will be immersed in music as best I can be.

King's Crossing (lyrics)

So, I know I don't do this, but this song is getting me through today and I highly recommend it. It's by Elliott Smith - a genius who committed suicide a few years back... by stabbing himself through the heart. Say what you will, but that's commitment. Well, without further ado....

The king's crossing was the main attraction


Dominoes falling in a chain reaction

A scraping subject ruled by fear

Told me whiskey works better than beer

The judge is on vinyl, decisions are final

And nobody gets a reprieve

And every wave is tidal - if you hang around

You're going to get wet

I can't prepare for death any more than I already have

All you can do now is watch the shells

The game looks easy, that's why it sells

Frustrated fireworks inside your head

Are going to stand and deliver talk instead

The method acting that pays my bills

Keeps a fat man feeding in Beverly Hills

I got a heavy metal mouth that hurls obscenity

And I get my check in from the trash treasury

Because I took my own insides out

It don't matter 'cos I have no sex life

And all I want to do now is inject my ex-wife

I've seen the movie and I know what happens

It's Christmas time, and the needles on the tree

A skinny Santa is bringing something to me

His voice is overwhelming, but his speech is slurred

And I only understand every other word

Open your parachute and grab your gun

Fall down like an omen, a setting sun

Read the part and return at five

It's a hell of a role if you can keep it alive

But I don't care if I fuck up

I'm going on a date with a rich white lady

Ain't life great?

Give me one good reason not to do it

(Because I love you)

So do it

This is the place where time reverses

Dead men talk to all the pretty nurses

Instruments shine on a silver tray

Don't let me get carried away

Don't let me get carried away

Don't let me be carried away

Agnus Dei Op. 11 - Barber

I'm having an awesome day. Like a totally awesome day where very little has gone wrong. I got to work and rocked out the data entry in an hour and a half and then got to leave. I came home, started my laundry (which is now in the dryer), got L's laundry going too, practiced, settled on my audition pieces for DePaul and Illinois State... I'm giving up on Louisville. I could get in, but why would I want to? I'm considering putting in my application at UNI again too. I also talked with the nicest admissions lady at DePaul today about the requirements and I'm really getting excited about it. It's my #1 choice school. Not only does it have a fantastic program, but it also is right where I wanna be... near J in Chicagoland. I'm so excited. I'm also considering auditioning at Northwestern while I'm at it... I'm gonna be in town for the DePaul audition, might as well. :)

I am just so happy with the way life is going for me right now. I'm in a relationship that is finally RIGHT. I have no misgivings or fears and I know this is where I'm supposed to end up. I know it's silly and borderline scary, but I've been playing around with what kind of a wedding I want. I haven't done that in years. But at the rate I'm going, I'm gonna have this whole thing planned by the time he even gets around to proposing. I guess I've just been waiting 10 years for this to happen and it finally is and it's right and now I just want it to happen NOW. C'mon laugh, it's funny. I can be patient though.. I'm not exactly ready to get married tomorrow (there's way too much to plan!!), but guaranteed it's gonna be one hell of an event for the few lucky kiddos that get the invite. Is it wrong to not want little children there? I know I have a child, but save my nephews and him, I don't want any other kids there. I want it to be a fun, classy, grown up affair. I'm also being highly selective as to who gets to go to the wedding... the reception is another story. *sigh* I'm crazy for being this into wedding planning, aren't I? Granted I'm planning S's wedding and she doesn't even have a guy she's interested in much less dating. Maybe that's my calling... if this whole music thing crashes and burns, I'll be a professional wedding planner... they make some serious bank... and get to plan dream weddings with someone else's money!!! I think that would be a dream come true. lol Well, time to go, L is home from school!

Blister in the Sun

I have a friend who's not doing so well. I'm horribly worried about her and she's headed back to IOP. I met her there about a year and a half ago and I hate seeing her having a relapse. It's scary because I worry about her and her ability to stay safe, but also because I'm so empathetic I tend to go with people on their emotions. I'm happy right now and I don't want to fall down that rabbit hole. I guess I'm learning more about boundaries this way. It's just so hard to see her so upset and lost - I wish I could make it better, but I know there's nothing I can do except for what I am doing by listening to her and being as supportive as possible. Having been in that position many times in the past, I know how very much that helps, but there's the guilt of being a burden on one's friends that for me is just unbearable. I love her so much and am praying she makes it through this.

I'm also worried about L. He's convinced that he's the worst kid in the world and just plain stupid. It kills me to hear those things come out of my baby's mouth. I want him to feel wonderfully about himself, but I think he has inherited his mother's mental illness. Talk about guilt. S is urging me to get him into therapy ASAP and I'm so scatterbrained that I haven't made the call yet. I hate so much that the poor kid is taking after his mama and I can't do anything to make it better... I barely know how to cope and now my child needs me to model behavior for him and I can't. My poor baby. I can only guess how his father will react. I expect he'll only pull away further. *sigh*

Eet

Dating your best friend is just weird. I mean, there are obvious perks - you know them incredibly well and you don't have anything to prove, but I don't really know how to behave. I love him, but how much is too much? I don't call him too often, but I text him daily and instant message him every evening. I just don't want to be "clingy" or make him think that I don't trust him. I do. Implicitly. I know he loves me as much as I love him, he's just not very demonstrative about it and I am. But he lets me hold his hand in public and occasionally will put up with a quick kiss on the cheek. I love that he does that. I know it sounds odd, but he's just not very comfortable with pda and I try very hard to be sensitive to that. I'm the type of girl who believes in holding hands and if the moment is right, kissing in public. Anyways... I guess my point is that I really miss him. I've never been a fan of long distance relationships, but for him it's completely worth it because I know where this ends and I want to be there for it.

If I could turn back time

Work is pissing me off. I know in a way, I'm being paid a salary, but abusing that pisses me off. I've had to work from home every night this week except Monday night. I have to go in tomorrow on my day off too. *sigh* I'm working my ass off and I know it's appreciated, but I guess I'm feeling a little overused. I've been trying to unwind, and I know that I won't really get to this weekend since I have L's birthday party on Saturday to get ready for and clean up after... I hate feeling so rushed and pressured.

It doesn't help much that my neighbors have kicked up the crazy lately. I was taking a bath tonight and the douchebag next door starts pounding on my door and yelling at my window that I needed to come and answer the door. I didn't. It just annoys the hell out of me that he thinks HE can call the shots. I haven't the slightest clue what it was about, but I do make a point of avoid him at all costs. He looks like a douche, dresses like a douche, and sounds like a douche. Basically he's a slightly thinner, different looking Kevin Federline. Doesn't help that the neighbor guy is an abusive jackass. I've heard their fights next door. I'm not saying she doesn't play a part in their fighting, I'm just saying that his yelling shouldn't wake me up at 2 am out of a dead sleep. Not cool.

I need to get to bed... I have another early morning ahead of me. *sigh*

I wanna be sedated

I've been neglecting my blog horribly. I guess I just didn't feel like writing about the mundane. L's started school today and he's already having problems with the neighborhood kids. They decided to pick on him and he reacted by tackling the kid who started it. Then when he came in crying afterwards they continued to harass him by knocking on the door relentlessly, further upsetting him. I think it's time for him to go to therapy. I've been dreading it... it feels like it's my fault and like I've done something wrong. I know he gets his hyper-sensitivity from me. I hate that to be completely honest. I wish he had his father's easy temperment. I wish he could just make friends easily... He's invited 6 people to his birthday and only 2 have responded. The party is on Saturday and I hate seeing his "friends" reject him.

It scares me to be considering moving next spring when I know he's just not good with change. My poor little boy is so much like me and I'm so broken that I don't know how to fix me... how am I supposed to teach him coping skills when I don't have any? I feel like such a failure as a parent right now. I just want to protect him and I can't when he's at school. I can barely protect him at home. I wish the adults around here would just parent their children. What the hell happened to raising your children to be nice and kind and considerate of others? I've always tried to make sure that L understand that he's entitled to nothing but my love and that he has to earn his friendships through being nice and kind and considerate. Instead, now he's the one getting dumped on. I wish I knew what to do, but I feel so fucking helpless.

Work has been stressing me out too. The past two nights I've had to bring it home with me and I hate that. I want my evenings to be my own. Plus tomorrow, I have to go in early and I'll probably have to go in on Friday even though it's my day off. *sigh* I'm just exhausted right now. I'm also upset from missing J, which is kind of ridiculous. I'm trying to be detached enough where it's not a problem, but I'm just not that girl. I'm the kind that jumps into the pool without checking the temperature - regardless of whether or not it's a good idea. I guess I just want to know that I'm not the only one who is going all in. J's not one for a lot of words though. He's quiet and often I know what he's feeling or thinking, but I just miss him a lot tonight. This feeling will pass. I know it will, or at least it will lessen in intensity. I could use a coma about now. A nice long coma.

Butterfly

I've finally calmed down a little about everything with J. Thank goodness. I was starting to drive myself a little crazy. I'm still thrilled about it, but now it's a little more tempered. :) Last night S took me and L out for dinner for my birthday. It was fabulous. They even gave me a complimentary piece of chocolate cake (which I shared with everyone). Today we're going to the State Fair. Hopefully it will be as much fun as I think it will be. Last year was kind of a let down, but at least J was here. *sigh* I wish he were here this year too. It would be fun. There's a new delicacy this year - deep fried butter on a stick. I'm sorry but that sounds absolutely disgusting. I've never been depressed enough to eat butter and I hope to God I never am. But at least we'll be having fun. I'm actually kind of hoping that we can go a little early, but I'm debating dying my hair. Oh the tribulations of being a fashion diva. lol I wish I had more to write about, but I really don't. Things have really calmed down here for the most part. Liam starts school next week (thank GOD) and I keep plugging away at my job. I'm hoping to get out to Chicago in October during L's fall break. It would be a blast. We've been talking about taking L to the Field Museum. I think he'd really enjoy getting to see the dinosaurs and the other various things the museum offers. :)

Outside Looking In

The more time that passes since my Grandfather's death, the less I can remember about him. I can still hear his voice in my head, but his face is starting to blur and memories of early morning breakfasts with him are fading and yellowing with time. I miss him. I don't think there has been a day since Jan. 25th, 1999 that I haven't thought of him at least once. It's funny in a macabre kind of way - I remember thinking out the order in which I was ready for my grandparents to die and he was always last. He was the last person I ever wanted to die and yet, he was the first to go. I'm still not ready to live in a world where he doesn't. That's not to say I don't live my life to its fullest - that would be a travesty and an insult to his memory. I just find myself pausing quite often and thinking of how much I would love to share what's happening in my life. He'd be 83 now if he were still around. I know he's not my dad, but in so many ways he was. He was the man I grew up worshipping and believing he could do no wrong. He's the man I cuddled and watched movies with, drank rootbeer floats with and went for drives around the lake with. I still go for a drive around the lake every time I'm home just so I can keep up the tradition and pretend he's with me. I miss him every day and the pain of his death still stings to the quick at times. Like tonight.

My birthday week has been such a wonderful week - I've been calling it my birthday fortnight though since it's been stretched out over the last 2 weeks. I got to talk to J last night online for an hour. It was what I needed and I really miss him. Long distance relationships really do suck like none other, but with him I know it's worth the pain and lonesome-ness for him. I know what the end result should be and that's comforting. Granted, I'm not one to take everything in between for granted. I love the journey. I love dreaming about how it's all going to happen and the excitement I get from not knowing. :)

Happy Birthday

It's my birthday. I've survived my 27th year on this planet and am now venturing forth into my 28th. It's been such a fantastic birthday fortnight. I got promoted, went to Chicago, my best friend became my boyfriend, my son finally came home, I got a gorgeous butterfly from L, and Friday there's gonna be a celebration at Macaroni Grill for my birthday. Oh, and for the first time ever, J remembered my birthday and told me he loves me. I could just gush on and on and on about everything that's gone on the last two weeks.

The change in relationship status with J doesn't surprise me in the least. He's been my best friend for nearly 12 years now and we've danced around it for years. I am concerned about his attraction to men, seeing as how he is bisexual, but I love him for who he is and trust him implicitly. My mother even gives this relationship her stamp of approval and I'm positive his mother will be thrilled too. Last Christmas she sent us out on a romantic date in her attempt to get us to wake the hell up to what was right in front of us. I suppose it took us long enough to see what our mothers have known for years now. I love that I don't have to prove anything to him and that we can just be comfortable with each other. It's been an odd adjustment, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. It feels right. For once I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time. If grad school doesn't work out, I'm still moving, only to Chicago to be with J. *happy sigh* It's just been like a dream.

Happy 28th Birthday to me!

Sweet Home Alabama?

Well, I'm home from a dream vacation in Chicago. I really didn't want to leave... I never do. It's just a vibrant and exciting city. I went to the aquarium and Lollapalooza, both of which were awesome. I had so much fun. J took me out to Carmichael's for dinner last night and damn... what an amazing restaurant. Expensive, but fantastic. Then we went home to have cheesecake and looked at his pictures from Great Britain. What a fantastical weekend!

The Way I Am

S was soooo right in making me go on this vacation. I'm so happy right now that I can barely stand myself. I'm staying home at J's while he's off at work today and then tomorrow morning I'll be doing the same until he gets home. It's such a great plan. I get to laze about doing nothing and then play when J comes home from work. Yesterday, I spent my afternoon going to the mall and browsing. It was pretty fun, but I missed S. She's my all time shopping buddy... plus I found a Hello Kitty store for her. J has been so nice. He cooked me dinner last night and even watched part of America's Next Top Model. Lol it was really sweet of him to try and get through it, even though I was completely exhausted and somewhat disinterested in watching it. He asked all about how the judging worked - I was highly entertained by it. Lol. I love how he just accepts me for all my silly quirks and just loves me because of them. This vacation rocks my socks off.

I get to pick up L on Sunday... I can't wait. I miss my little guy. Mom bought him all of his school supplies and got him all ready to go for school. I just need to finish registering him for school and then figure out how the heck this new online system works. I'm kind of annoyed at their decision to go all online with registration. They're even posting teacher assignments and grades online ONLY. Ridiculous. I want a paper copy of his report cards and I want a letter stating whom his teacher is. I'm a little bitchy like that. Anywho... I have happy news. On Tuesday night, before I left for Chi-town, I got a call from my boss and he totally promoted me! I'm going to be a glorified receptionist and I'm going to be getting twice the pay and twice the hours. Still part-time though, but I'm completely okay with that. I'm really excited and really proud of myself. I've never been given such kudos before and I'm a little stunned still. Nonetheless, I'm going to be super happy with my new position and super happy with how this all goes. I enjoy a challenge and I'll do my best. :)

All that jazz

I made it to Chicago! Thank the lord. I am so tired of driving I could just scream. At least tomorrow I have some down time until J gets back from work to just un.wind. I'm such a happy camper. I was getting a little too lonely back in Iowa. L is still gone and has the puppy with him. I know it helps his homesickness to have the puppy with him, but I miss her cuddling me at night. Oh well, I'll just have to annoy J tonight with my incessant cuddling. He's never minded before. :)

I'm just thrilled to have a break from the mundane. It's been at least 4 years since I've had a vacation and thusly it is looooooong overdue. I don't know what I'm going to do though.

I loved you, so what

I had a fabulous weekend. I got to see L for the first time in almost 2 weeks and we travelled up to Madison to meet my mother so she could take Liam for her week. S managed to get us a 3.5 star hotel for only $60!! I was thrilled. We had a lovely king sized bed and the bathroom was awesome... then again, I'm easily impressed. I love going on mini-breaks. I realize as I write this, I have never been on vacation with a significant other. I would love to do that. Explore a city or country with someone and have fun like that. It would be so much fun. Maybe someday. :)

It was fabulous getting to see L. He's such a cutie and was just as excited to see me as I was to see him. He took the puppy with him up to my mother's so it's a quiet house tonight. I miss having Clara around. She made L's absence a little easier. But then again, I'm off to Chicago on Wednesday to see J and have a great time. We're celebrating our birthdays by going out to a fancy dinner and having drinks at the Hancock building. I get to stay until Sunday and it's going to be awesome. I'll bring my computer with so I can keep updating and it'll be fantastic. I'm seriously excited. :)

King's Crossing

So, I just needlessly tortured myself by sitting in bed thinking to myself what a failure at relationships and love I must be if I compare myself to L's dad. He's been in the same relationship for going on 5 years... about how long our entire relationship was... Granted, she's no catch. This is the woman who hit my child because he wouldn't call her "mommy". But still, I'm moderately jealous because I've been fighting to get over that one relationship during these 5 years and have finally succeeded.. and he's been blissfully in a relationship this whole time and what have I to show for it? A relationship that just ended because I ran away like I always do. We were happy for the most part, but I pulled away and then J pulled away and it's my fault... well.. the demise of it is my fault. I miss him so much.. I've missed him a lot today. I nearly called him, but what would I say. "hi, it's me. I miss you and hope you miss me just as much and maybe we made a mistake in ending it, do you wanna try again?" Seriously. I can't call because that's precisely what I'd want to say and I don't think I could handle the rejection that I would rightly receive. *sigh* I know I'm a silly, flippant woman, but I love him still and that doesn't stop just because we ended things. I wish I could hate him. This one is going to take a while to get over. I'm just glad I can finally say I'm over S. It's only taken 2 years and not to mention years of pining for him to get over everything. I'm such a fucking drama queen and the worst part is, I don't want to be. It just kind of comes at me.

L's been gone for almost a week now and I'm finally starting to miss him. He's good company during the day and so cuddly in the evenings... I hate thinking someone else is enjoying that, but oh well.. he's getting some much needed Daddy time and is headed up to his grandparents' home next week. He'll be thoroughly spoiled and insufferable by the time he gets home. :) I miss him tonight.

I spent much of this evening starting my applications for grad school. Some of them are willing to waive the application fees for people who are financially screwed (ie: yours truly), but there are a couple that seem to think they are God's gift to education and have a $75 application fee. Seriously? that's just ridiculously expensive, especially when you factor in my having to take the GRE as well. Thankfully it's half priced right now because they're changing the test. I'm excited though. I'm looking at four schools, all in the Midwest and closer to home than the hell-hole that is Iowa. Honestly, I never expected to be here for 10 years. I thought it would be undergrad and out.. granted I didn't expect to have a baby at 20 and take 8 years to finish undergrad. But it all worked out for the best - especially the baby part. He's not a baby anymore though... he's definitely a boy now and amazingly he's almost a young man... the next 3-4 years are just going to fly by and I just can't believe how fast it's going already. He'll be 12 by the time I finish with all my grad school stuff. Just freaking wow, Batman. I wonder what he'll be like, what he'll look like, and more importantly, if he'll have rebelled against his father and let out all the repressed anger towards him that he's letting build up. That fireworks show will be one to behold. I might even sell tickets.

The Way I Am

I'm having a seriously lazy day. It's 2:30pm and I haven't gotten out of my jammies yet. I don't really mind it either. Clara is sleeping at the foot of my bed and S is sitting next to me reading while L is at the pool with his friend and his family. I've been thinking about maybe joining them, but that's a lot of effort to put forth. I know that sounds incredibly bad, but at least I'm down with the fact that I'm depressed. Plus it's too f'ing hot out today. I personally don't even think L should be out in it, but I'm not gonna be the bitchy mom who says no to fun. I usually am anyways. Besides, I'm not in the mood to go fry so he can have fun. Let his friend's mom do that. Christ I'm bitchy today. I was even picking on the people on tv. *sigh*

One more day and L is gone for 3 weeks. I'm excited that he's going. He'll get time with his dad, and both sets of grandparents. And I get a much needed break. I'm going to miss him, but I'm going to try to enjoy the time. I don't get breaks the rest of the year, so this will be epic. I'm celebrating by seeing Harry Potter tomorrow night. It'll be fantastic. :)

Better Off Dead

I'm not having the greatest of days. I'm depressed and I barely thought of reason why. I just am. I want to be able to cut myself, but I don't want to have to hide it. I'm tired of feeling so shitty all of the time. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that I just had a major breakup, but at the same time, I just want to be happy. My trip to Chicago has been postponed by a week, which isn't a big deal, but it really really sucks. I just wanted to be able to go when I wanted to go. I know that it's silly to get worked up over something so minute... I mean, I'm still going for crying in the mud, but right now, the disappointment is almost more than I can take. I guess I'm just tired. Tired of waiting, tired of feeling like I'm drifting and the thing that's been annoying me most is now that I've realized I'm ready for the marriage thing again, I want it now. *sigh* But that's the spoiled brat in me coming out. It'll happen, I just don't know when and that's okay. Hell, it could even be that I already know my future husband, I just don't know it yet. I don't know though. I hate never knowing what the future holds. I'm a planner, and how am I supposed to plan if I don't know what's coming?

I actually found myself debating ways of committing suicide today. Part of it was because of this stupid link my brother sent me of a teddy bear attempting suicide and failing at it. I guess if I were to do it, I'd want something quick. I'm scared of pain. Either a gunshot though my brain stem or a guillotine would be the best ways, but definitely most difficult to bring about. I just wish I felt like people would genuinely miss me. I could disappear and no one would notice. *sigh* enough of this macabre topic. I think it's definitely time for bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Into the Fire

I'm doing better than I was yesterday. Then again, yesterday was just an awful day all around. I would complain more about it, but I'm just putting it behind me. I'm just glad I lived through it. I'm just looking forward to Liam's departure on Sunday and after that going to see my friend J in Chicago. I haven't seen him in like a year so it's definitely overdue. We've decided on how we're going to celebrate our birthdays - drinkies at the Hancock Building and then out to dinner somewhere. Maybe for the fun of it, I'll dress up all pretty for him. Oh goodness, let's be honest, I'm doing it for me. I just want to feel pretty lately and this is definitely a boost.

My latest obsession is John Adams... yes, as in the second president of these States united. I saw the mini-series a few weeks ago and am starting to hack through the 600+ page biography the series is based upon. So far so good. I'm also reading the collected letters of John and his wife, Abigail. I'm not very far into it - only one letter - but gracious I wish a man would write me letters like that. They're eloquent with such love between the lines. He truly adored her without having all the letters being all mushy and uncomfortably intimate. He just writes about his time away from her and that he misses the counsel of his "dearest friend". How sweet. It's so nice to have finally found something worth reading. I've been floundering in the sea of not-so-great fiction. Ick.

I've been keeping busy though. Lots of trips to the pool and I'm starting to get a very nice tan. I've been writing more... mostly journaling, and of course reading more. I'm working on my pieces for my auditions and am getting more and more excited about them. I'll be fabulous of course. :) I'm just happy the way things are going right now. I've applied for a few jobs with the school district and have decided on my back up plan, should grad school not work out. I've decided I'll actually go back and get my teaching license. I should have done it in the first place, but it was way too much coloring and not enough actual work for me. But it may be necessary. *sigh* I don't want to have to teach high school, middle school or elementary students, but if necessary, I will. Maybe I'll go back and get my license in English.. I could teach that or maybe Kindergarten. I don't know. We'll just have to see how it goes. I'm getting in to grad school. So i don't really have to worry about it. :)

The Edge of the Ocean

I hate money. I genuinely hate it. I think it is the root of everything that is evil and those that obsess over it are absolutely insane. It's not like you can take it with you when you die. It's a stupid thing to obsess over because all it does is make you want more and more and more. I hate money. Maybe it's because I never have any of it. Oh well, right.

I'm not really having a great day. I'm a bit down.. I miss J... I know he said I could call him anytime, but to be honest, I can't. It's just too hard to hear his voice and not tell him I love him. *sigh* I hate break ups. He called me a couple nights ago... it murdered sleep for me that night and I ended up crying again. I was just starting to get my feet under me again and to be able to walk with my head held high without feeling like crap about the break up. I hate that we had to break up. I hate that we did break up. And I hate that I can't just call him and beg him to let me take it all back. It's for the best though. Chin up Aimee Lou...

Somewhere only we know

I've had a lovely weekend. It's been quiet and pleasant for the most part. Lots of time at the pool. I cleaned up a bit around the house and vacuumed my room. Just boring old stuff. Perfection to me. The only thing that's marred it has been Liam's behavior. He's been rebellious and just a regular pain in the arse. I'm so relieved that he'll be gone for 3 weeks starting next Sunday. Oh it will be such a nice break, but I'll miss him dreadfully. I wish I had more, but I'm tapped to be honest.

The Land Beyond the River

*sigh* I'm getting over him. Slowly, but surely. He managed to catapult me into the anger stage of grief over the holiday weekend. He texted me saying he hoped I had a good holiday. I sent back that I missed him. His response was "you are missed". Seriously?! That's not something you say to someone you spent nearly 7 months of your life with. That's something you say to a former co-worker who comes back to visit and you're the one screwed into doing their old job. Granted, now if I heard back from him an "I miss you" I would definitely wonder if he'd read this and was merely placating me. I don't need that. I just can't believe I was so wrong about him. The man I loved would have loved me enough to say it back. I'm completely floored. Thank God things ended when they did because if they had gone further, I would hate to see what else would have come out of the cracks. I still miss him, but I know now that I was completely wrong about him and that he was completely wrong for me.

In other news, I had a really nice holiday weekend. It was relaxing and fun and everything I needed it to be. I had friends over for barbeque and swimming and s'mores and we all had so much fun. Plus today I got together with C and J and the kiddos and had lunch. It was so nice just to surround myself with people who love me for who I am and accept me. I've needed that lately. It's been a nice weekend.

By Starlight

Today I'm doing a little better. I'm still despondent, but I recognize there is nothing I can do by crying and wishing things were different. They aren't and they're not going to be. I'm trying very hard to give myself a good pep talk here in hopes that I won't be crying myself to sleep again. I wish I had more to say, but I find myself unable to really think today about anything outside of "I miss J." "I should call him." But I know that I shouldn't. I should allow him space just like I need to get over this.

I talked to a couple of friends about what's going on and S thinks it's all for the best as does M, A, and B. It's nice that they're being supportive and letting me cry on their shoulders. I find that I can only merely talk about it though.. my tear ducts are too proud to let me cry in front of anyone, excepting S.

Before it Breaks

I miss J. I want to text him, to call him and tell him that too. I keep thinking of things that I miss already that I'll never hear him say or call me again. It took him months to be able to call me Aimee Lou - everyone calls me that - and I remember how thrilled I was to hear it out of him. Not talking to him is unbearable, but I know this is for the best. I just wish I had the fortitude to be so firm in my resolve all the time. I've left my phone at home more often than not lately just to avoid the temptation, but I still run to it once I'm home hoping that he's sent me a word. How pathetic. How utterly pathetic of me. I hate this, why can't you just be suited for someone because you love them? Why can't loving them just be enough? Why can't it just be fair?! I know I've said this before, and I'm sure it'll come back to bite me in the ass too, but I'm done with men for a while. I need to focus on my future and I can't do that when I know I'm just going to be leaving in a year. I just hope I quit crying myself to sleep soon.

Turpentine

Today has pretty much sucked. I wish I could be more eloquent about it, but it's just not there. I'm lucky to have such great friends though. S sent me mental hugs, K said she'd come and cry with me if I wanted, Ja brought his kids over and we went swimming and S said we can go shopping tonight. Distraction works for me *sigh* I know this is supposed to be for the best, but it hurts so fucking much.

Better Off Dead

J and I broke up this morning. I'm not okay. I'm not even resembling okay.

Lithium

Well, J and I are on a break. I don't know what to think of it. He believes I'm on my way out of the relationship and from what I gathered from him, he is too. It's really sad and upsetting. I love J. I love him so much it hurts sometimes, but maybe he's right. Maybe we aren't suited to one another... maybe we're just better off calling it quits now before hurt feelings get in the way. The only problem with all of that? I love him. How am I supposed to just walk away from someone I love? I've been taking some space trying to figure out what it is in my life that is bringing me down. I still don't know what it is, but J is convinced that it's him. *sigh* What am I supposed to do?

I spent most of today near tears from it. Just passing the time by watching Harry Potter and reading. My friend J, in Chicago, wants me to come visit him for his 30th birthday at the end of this month to cheer myself up. I think I'll go too. It's been 3 years since I've been to visit him and I could use the camaraderie. H said he'll come too so we'll all be able to hang out together and have a blast. H has the idea that we should go see this symphony orchestra that plays music from video games and J is all about it. I suppose I can geek out with them for a little while... as long as I get my day at the art museum and downtown. They're good boys and fun to hang out with and it's been... oh god.. at least 7 years since we all got together. I'm looking forward to it too. It'll be a blast.

Losing My Religion

I've walked away from religion lately. I was so hardcore about it this past winter and spring and now... I have bigger problems in my life to be honest. I miss it though. I miss having it as a central focus in my life and I know I need to stop being so lazy and just grit my teeth and do it. I like the feeling it has to offer me in terms of comfort and it's nice to know I'm not alone and that I have something important to lean on instead of just being the vapid narcissist that I know I am. I need a focus in my life so I don't become blurry and honestly, I feel fuzzy around the edges.

I'm getting more and more worried about grad school now that the prospect of it is looming on the horizon. I want Illinois State the most and Louisville second, but I have to take the GRE and the expense of that alone is just daunting. At least I can get my application fees waived, but it's so nerve wracking to try and find the right ways to get the scholarships I need. I'm a list maker and I've been making list after list after list of things I need to do, how much it's going to cost, what requirements each school has for admission, who I want to ask for my recommendations.. etc. It's just so overwhelming. I may have to ask S to help me sort all of this out and I need to know for certain what it is that I need. She's so awesomely organized and I just want a checklist for each school. I'm lucky to have her as my bff. She helps me to be less fuzzy.

The Other Way

I'm isolating myself. I just have a lot on my mind and I'm trying to sort it out. I'm trying to come up with my back-up plan if grad school doesn't work out. It's funny, but if grad school doesn't work, suddenly the entire world opens up to me. I can move anywhere, live anywhere, do anything. Isn't that weird how that works? I actually could move to Europe and there's no one to stop me. Crazy isn't it? And yet, I want school more. I want my dreams to come true and I want to be able to start paying off these damn student loans. I want to be able to have the life I've always dreamed of and I love that it's getting more and more tangible.

I don't have a lot tonight. I spent my day watching Harry Potter with L and S and had a great time. I worked on my cross stitch and washed my dog and took her for a walk. It was a wonderfully lazy day. :)

Rudie Can't Fail

I'm having a rough day. Therapy went great to be honest. I talked a lot about things that have been weighing on me. Mainly grad school and what that will mean for J and I. I'm nervous about it to be honest. I don't know if he'll be able to handle it, or if I will be either. I've done long-distance before and it sucks and the other part is, I don't know if I want to end up back here in Iowa. I have nothing but horrible horrible memories here and I just want to run away from them and leave them in the dust of my past. But J is like an immovable boulder. He can't go with me because he's anchored here and I respect that. I won't even ask him to come with me because I wouldn't do that to him. The only thing that could really entice me to move back here after I leave would be a job offer at Simpson or a marriage proposal. Neither of which I can envision coming in the next 3-4 years. I woke up today with realization that I'm ready for that again. I want to be married again and I want to be with someone forever. My realizing that doesn't mean J is ready for that though, and I understand that. But I'm ready again. Unfortunately, J thinks that marriage is a form of legal prostitution. It hurts to hear him say that, but he's entitled to his opinion. I think of marriage as a wonderful union between two people who love one another so much they not only want to tell the whole world, but they want to make a vow to their God to always love one another and to always cherish one another. It's a beautiful thing, not a way to control the other person through money. His opinion on it really makes me nervous to be honest. I'm not a harping wife. I'm not that person and he's lumping me in with the rest which hurts.

I guess overall, I'm nervous about my future with J. It's difficult to admit, but it's so true. I think the thing that I don't talk about is the thing that worries me the most. He's capable of cheating - he has in the past - and if I'm gone away to school, what's to stop him from seeking... comfort elsewhere? I'm not so fantastic that I believe I can "hold" him from 5-10 hours away. I believe he would definitely try not to cheat, but I don't know if it would be successful. I'm scared. I'm not that fantastic and there are definitely better women out there than me.

Well, I'm sure there will be more later, but for now, I'm out.

Nowhere Warm

It's late. I've been up talking on the phone to J. It's nice to actually be having conversations with him again. I've missed that a lot. Baby steps back to normalcy I suppose would be the best way of looking at it. I like that we're both trying now.

So I had this dream where S and my mom and I were all in Germany (Munich to be precise) together and they decided they'd rather bond over cookbooks together rather than hang with me at Euro-Target. I was supremely pissed by this and went without them, thinking they don't speak a word of German... good luck fuckholes. Looking back, it's kind of funny, but I woke up completely convinced that I should move to Germany to spite them both and was actually most pissed off at my bff for siding with my mother. Weird, I know, but now it's just funny. I love how dreams just concoct all sorts of emotions inside of me. This last one has me convinced I should move to Germany someday and live my life out there. Crazy. I have been having really vivid dreams lately too. The other really tangible dream I had was being at a dinner party with my mom, brothers, maternal grandparents and my great aunt Elaine and her late husband Ed. It was really interesting and made me miss my grandparents a lot. It's dreams like that which cause me to have a love/hate relationship with dreaming. I love being able to see them again, but hate waking up to reality where they have no part of my day to day life. I know they both would have adored being great grandparents, even if they would have been pissed at my having been pregnant at 19.

I can't believe I've been a parent for almost 10 years. Jesus where the hell did the time go? I've been a parent my entire adult life excepting the one year I was at Drake. Just freaking wow, Batman. I can't believe it somedays... such as today. I regret not having waited to have my child, but at the same time, I wouldn't give up my L for anything in the world. He's mine and thanks to his father not really giving a crap about him, I know he's all mine. I try my hardest to not poison L against his father. Somedays it's incredibly hard, but others it's just not even on my radar. I was talking with S the other day about how I'm worried about L's relationship with his father and how it's going to play out over the next 5 years or so. His father has had ample time to build a functional relationship with his son, but he keeps tossing him aside for "more important" things. All of this neglect is building some major resentment in L and one of these days (in the next 5 years) I predict that's going to just pour over. I see him not wanting to spend time with his dad anymore. I wonder if he'll even follow the path I did with my father and call him a "sperm donor" because that's essentially all he is. God I feel for him, but there's nothing I can do but tell him that his father loves him "as much as he can love another person" even though I know he loves no one more than himself. My poor little boy is going to have to rely on me to learn how to become a man and he doesn't have the example of a strong grandfather that my brothers had to model themselves on. He's essentially on his own and I wish I could do better than that for him. Unfortunately, I had to eliminate his grandfather (my father) from his life so that he wouldn't grow up thinking it was okay to be a drunk.

My new job is going pretty well. I'm an HR assistant and so far I like it. All I do is call people up to see if they would be interested in coming in and interviewing for the insurance company I work for. Not a bad gig. I work 3 mornings a week and it works for me. The people are nice, funny and pleasant to be around and I'm attempting to be as amiable as possible for them. Either way, it's nice.

Somewhere

I've been very insular the last few days. I guess I've just needed the space to think and it's just not helping. I'm not so good at bringing up what's bothering me, especially when they're little things that when weighed against the positive balance out. But I want things to be more than just neutral. I want happy.. not all the time because I know that's just unrealistic, but right now I just feel lost. I rarely have anything to say to my therapist.. it feels like I'm just grasping for things to talk about and yet I have so much that I need to talk about. My daddy issues, more of my mommy issues... my annoyance with L's need to completely disregard everything I have to say... heck I could even spend a lot of time talking about my intimacy issues I have with J. I love him, but he scares me sometimes... well maybe not scares more like intimidates me. *sigh* I wish I understood why too. Oh well... that's enough for tonight.

Happy Little Working Song

I've had a nice weekend. S and I have been watching John Adams every night, which has just made my life... It's just nice to sit and sew and spend time watching a movie with my bff. I had a nice day both Saturday and today. Today I just laid in bed reading for a while and then I went over and checked on J.. he's been sick and I was worried about him. Well, that and I missed him. Once I got home I ended up cleaning and baking. Took my puppy for a short walk and life is just peachy here.

musicbox

oh god... I have a kidney stone and it hurts soooooooo much. I know I'm being whiney about it but God Almighty I'd give anything for this to be done with... I've had one before, but goodness this hurts so badly this time through. I've actually popped out my vicodin stash to help. I've got an anti-inflammatory as well, but I've given it an hour with no relief at all. So, I'm praying this will help.

my day was pretty decent otherwise... I had lunch with a friend and we talked and talked until I was almost late getting home to L. I'm trying out leaving him home alone for short periods of time this summer. I have therapy tomorrow, so he has to be home by himself. I worry a little, but he'll have my phone and will be able to call my mother if necessary. Anywho...

Pardon Me

I'm having a day... I don't know what's with me. I'm depressed I think. I spent last night with J and it was fantastic. We're having a drawn out celebration of our 6 month-iversary, which is sweet of him. I'm just a little traumatized by the last month of our relationship, but I'm working on recovering from it. I love him, I guess now I'm just a little scared of it because I've felt just how strong it is and how much damage could be caused from it. A few days ago, the day where I thought we were going to be taking a break, I spent the entire afternoon sobbing. I wish I were embellishing, but I had people coming over to make sure I was okay. Thankfully, J wanted to talk and I went over there and we've been trying to fix things. I just didn't realize how much potentially losing him could hurt. I thought he had taken his break and was running with it... running away from me that is. I always known how much I love him, but I think that experience just drove it home.

As far as the depression goes? I have no idea why it's here. I'm just down today. I could sleep all day and not bat an eye at it. I didn't. I went about my life as I'm supposed to and even found time this afternoon to start work on embroidering a pillowcase I've been wanting to work on for a while. Now it's just a matter of seeing it through. I need to remember to do these things because they relax me and make me bearable to be around. It's part of why I blog. It gets all this crap out of me and is theraputic in a way. Well, in many ways.

I wish I had more to say, but to be honest, today writing is like pulling teeth.

If there was no you

This is something I think about a lot... what if I had never met the people who affect me so greatly day to day or even the ones who I wish now I had never met even though they used to be my favorite people. How would my life be different. If I had never come to Des Moines, I would never have had L. I never would have gone to SimpCo, I never would have found out about so many bands, I would never have met the bff, I would have had such a different life. Sure there are days where I curse having had L so young, but God I love the little booger. If there had been no L, I would still be the same spoiled bitch I used to be. I'm proud of the woman I've become. I'm a strong bitch and proud of it. I have very little problem getting in someone's face when the situation requires it. That's not to say I'm not polite. I'm terribly polite and always trying not to step on people's toes, but if provoked, I will get mean.

I don't know why I'm writing about this.. perhaps just to get writing.. I've had writer's block the last couple days - hence why things have been a little quiet lately. I don't know what to write about... I could expound on my beliefs on controversial topics such as euthanasia... totally pro by the way... but that could politicize my blog and I don't want that. Let's just say I'm liberal and leave it there. Ah well...

I found my study schedule for grad school today and looked at it... I am so far behind on it. I'm just finishing up chapter 17 in my Grout and I should be on Chapter 33. Yikes... better get crackin'

Save Me

Well, J and I talked. I'm not nearly as hurt. Maybe just a little, but that will pass. It wasn't really smooth since he figured we had broken up... *sigh* I hate that people equate a break with a break up.

Today is our 6 month point... I hope for a drama-free 6 months to follow. It's exhausting. I wish I had more to say today, but I really don't. It's been a quiet day since I came home from J's (I slept over), and I'm home alone since S and L are at the library. I took a nice long nap too. I had to catch up on some sleep. I was up all night thursday into friday because J and I had quarrelled and then spent yesterday arguing some more and sobbing all afternoon thinking that I had lost him. *sigh* the bad side of relationships can kiss my arse.

The Damage In Your Heart

*sigh* So, I think J and I are on a break. Not a break up, but a break. I've been crying all morning. All I wanted was to meet him for coffee. I got up early so he wouldn't have to go through his daughter's surgery alone. I picked out a dress that he once said I looked pretty in. I showered, I shaved my legs, I put on a perfume he likes. I texted him I was ready when he was. No answer. So I went to the coffee shop thinking maybe he was already there. I texted him again when I got there, and nothing. I waited 20 minutes, ordered my coffee and left to run errands. I had gotten less than 3 miles away and he calls asking where I am. I told him I had just left the coffee house and he was at my house.. or leaving it. I don't know why he got angry. I really don't. I didn't do anything wrong. He hung up without even saying I love you. At least he said good-bye. I texted and apologized for his being angry, but I was hurt and didn't word it right as usual. I suggested he take a break from me because he hasn't been happy with me for a while now. I just want him to be happy and if that's without me, fine. I wish he'd just put me out of my misery though. I'm tired of feeling like the only thing I can do right for him is sexual. I get that he's mad at me about my "friend" trying to kiss me. I didn't do anything wrong there either. I took care of it. It won't happen again and that's that. But I feel like he thinks something more happened. He grilled me about it last night and when I got frustrated and asked him what he wanted to know he got angry. *sigh* Maybe he thinks I wanted it. Maybe he thinks I encouraged it. Maybe he's lumping me in with his ex. I don't know. I'm scared ask now because I'm afraid he's going to get angry with me about it. I want him. I want him forever, but if he really doesn't want me he's got to cut me loose cause I don't think I can walk away. But I'm tired of hurting. This past month has been nothing but hurting. He pulls away and I don't know what to do. I just sit and wait, hoping it will get better. Does he want it to?

Secrets

Yeah, sorry, I don't have any secrets to share... i just really like the song. So, J and I talked. To be honest, it was fabulous, but I must admit, for the most part, I'm on board with his "no friends of the opposite sex" idea. I'm not worried about the guys who are gay, or family or even colleagues, but obviously the married ones aren't exactly trustworthy. *sigh* what a butt head he is. I'm not even including his initial cause I don't think it's worth it. That and you don't need to know. I told his wife last night... I had to. She was surprisingly not pissed at me. I really thought she would be. Thankfully not. I don't know what's in store for them and it's none of my business, but I worry about her. However, no more male friends that don't meet the aforementioned criteria... I love J far too much to put our relationship in jeopardy like that. I trust myself, but I don't want to be put in that position ever again.

I've spent my afternoon at a coffee shop studying. It's nice. I'm finally through the French Baroque and am plowing through the English stuff. I'm onto one of my favorite composers... Henry Purcell.. I call him Hank. No where near as attractive as Schubert, but hopefully much less syphallictic. Anyways... I had to text my brother for a reminder on what an upbeat meant... seriously.. I was right in my guess, but I feel like such an idiot not remembering something so simple. I'm a violinist for Christ's sake. I should remember that and upbeat means and up bow and that means... duh.. a pick up note. *sigh* It's okay. At least it's the little things that escape me and nothing enormous. I still know what Monophony is versus Monody and I still know what a nume is and even more, how to read them. What actually was fun today was relearning what is involved in a 17th C. French suite.. I mean, wow.. it's so similar to the German suite and reminds me strongly of the violin partitas I used to love playing so much.

I tried to play my violin the other day and ended up breaking an E string... *sigh* This kind of occurence used to not even phase me and now, it just seems like a hassle and a pain in the ass. Plus I couldn't find the piece I really wanted to play. I think I lost it in one of my many moves. It was the two Violin Romances by Beethoven. They're easier than his Concerto in D and might actually get me to practice up to being able to play it again. Well, one can hope. I'll just have to replace it, but damn... I never have the money to spend on music books anymore. Oh well... I can wait, or just dive into the Concerto head first and pray I don't drown. I love that piece fervently. My favorite moment in all music occurs in the Third Movement.. it gives me goosebumps and tears me up just thinking about it.. which I know is kind of silly, but I'm the type of person whose soul is just intertwined with music. I honestly can't seem to live without it and lately I've been indulging in it almost constantly. I love it. It makes me feel alive and maybe this is what my depression has needed most - a musical outlet. My voice is suffering from allergies right now and thusly I can barely sing, but my violin? Never have to worry about allergies. *sigh* I have to quit being lazy and just change that damn string... lol

Okay... study break is over... time to actually work again.. :)

Machine

I had a horrible day yesterday after my post. I can finally write about it because I finally talked to J about it. I met a friend for coffee. We had agreed to meet cause he had already done the grad school thing and I wanted to pick his brain. Turns out, despite knowing my relationship status, he wanted to kiss me and boy did he try. *sigh* I feel like it's all my fault, but I know I did nothing wrong when I politely dodged him and said that I didn't feel that way about him. He's been trying to call me all day to apologize... or at least that's what his voicemails have said. I've set his number to straight to voicemail when he calls. That friendship is so over... he's married for crying out loud. I keep wondering if I should tell his wife, but I don't want to be the cause of their marriage ending.. besides, she'd never talk to me again. *sigh* Oh well... I'm a good girl.. good girls tell.

Self Evident

I originally was going to be a violin performance major. I poured my heart, soul and every emotion into my violin and was actually quite talented at it. I auditioned for a couple schools when college time came, but didn't make it. I was so wholly crushed by that. Especially after a former instructor at Drake University told me that I didn't have enough talent because I hadn't been studying privately since age 3. I still hate that man for stomping on my dreams. I rarely play my violin nowadays. I guess on some level I'm scared of it. Scared of getting my hopes back up only to have them smashed to pieces. I know I can sing. I've got a gorgeous voice that few people have and I know it and what's more, I appreciate it. I won't squander my talent by sitting behind a desk forever, I will get up on stage and perform and share the talent that God gave me when I was created. Not to mention that there's a huge amount of joy that comes through my entire being when I sing, play piano or even violin. A joy that on occasion makes me weep at its beauty. To do anything else would be a betrayal of not only myself, but my talent. I keep trying to find something that's good enough in the meantime, but it all feels so empty and meaningless. I want to do something that affects people. I want to move their souls and their emotions. I take the baroque doctrine of affections very seriously. I just have to learn to be less self conscious and more willing to lose myself in the roles I play and in the music I sing. My voice teacher always told me she hated to turn music into a business for me because she saw how very much I loved it... but it is work too now. I don't hate it though. It makes me so happy just to listen to something as simple as a Lied...

Today, I'm listening to classical instrumental pieces. It makes me long for my violin in a way I usually forget when I don't have the time to actually sit down and enjoy a piece of music. I'm happy today thanks to Beethoven... the most cantankerous man in the history of music.

Losing Heart

It's 3 am and I'm not exactly lonely... hahaha. Sorry, it was there, right? It really is 3 am and I'm awake from a phone call from J. Tonight has been such a reassuring night. I don't really know how else to put it. I was convinced he was pulling away and edging out of the relationship and boom! all the sudden we have a night where everything clicks again and it feels natural without a hint of it being forced. I know it's going to take a while to fix this. It took a while to crack it in the first place. I'd say a good month of not really talking deserves a month of non-stop conversation.

To say I'm insecure about my place in his life is an understatement. I'm so used to people walking away that it's hard for me to believe that he doesn't want to. I've always been a bit of a loner because of that and I'm pretty okay with that. Unfortunately, it's not exactly working for me, so change must occur. I hate change. Seriously. I fight it like none other and if I would just put that same effort I put into resisting change into adapting to it, I probably would be much more... happier. (Gimme a break, it's 3 am and I'm bleary-eyed ish) I keep trying the take a deep breath method whenever I get the knee jerk reaction to run away from things and thus far it's working. I'm a runner and I need to knock that shit off. No one on this planet is going to be perfect - we all have our flaws - but that doesn't mean there isn't someone out there who is perfect for me and from what I can tell, J is. I could even go so far as to say, he might even be my destiny. I know I can learn from him and I hope he can from me.

I don't know what else to write, so for now, I'll say good-night. Today might be one of those "blog twice in one day" days... I know, right? How self-indulgent can I get?! :)

Mr. Brightside

It's funny how an email can make you feel better. One of my mother's cousins emailed me to tell me she not only reads my blog, but she cares too. Wow. It's amazing how much that improved my mood. I was worried that today was going to be yet another "woe is me" kind of day, but thankfully my day is starting out much better than I expected. I don't care today that I have mother issues or father issues or boyfriend issues. I just want to focus on what my future holds because ultimately, my future is about me. Not any of them. Just me. L is a passenger on my ride right now and someday, I will be a passenger on his. It'll be nice to give up the reins to be honest.

So, grad school. I'm finally considering UW-Madison. It's the brass ring to be honest. My gpa isn't the best truth be told, but I think I'm talented enough to make it in. I wish the whole thing with dad hadn't happened during the last year of undergrad because with my meds stopping their effectiveness as well, it completely screwed over my gpa. *sigh* unfortunately, how do you explain that to a admissions panel? Sorry my gpa sucks, my father told me I should have been aborted and my depression medication stopped working? Somehow I don't think they'd be receptive to that. I wish they would be though. It was such a horribly hard year because of it. Sometimes, I miss my dad, but more often I miss my grandfather who took his place years before when he first abandoned me as a baby. Anyways, I'm also looking at the University of Minnesota Twin Cities, Illinois State University and University of Louisville.

Louisville is really my safety school. I know I'll get in. Easy. But I don't want to be that far away from everyone I know. I'll be closer to P, but he's so busy with his life that I know he wouldn't want to waste in on a trip to Kentucky to see his kid-sister. His free time is spent with his partner and their friends. So that leaves Illinois State and Minnesota. Either one will do for me to be honest. I just hope I don't have to break up the household. S is my sister in many ways and I hate the thought of living without her, despite my sometime yearning for independence. *sigh* Everything is just so complicated, but it will be okay. Whether I have to go to grad school alone or if I go with S. Either way, I'll have L, and that's all that matters.

stupidity tries

It's been an interesting day. I ended up oversleeping, but it seems to have been what I needed. J and I talked last night. He called and woke me up, which I didn't mind... I've missed him so much lately. He asked if I've been looking for someone else, and of course I'm not. I was approached by those men, but I can't lie and say I'm not flattered. It's nice to be seen as asthetically pleasing. I'm not vain person, but I like being told I'm pretty and that the guy who I'm seeing is lucky to have me. It's nice to hear, especially when I don't really believe I'm all that pretty in the first place. I think I'm passable, but no model. I know J is lucky to have me, but 99% of the time, I know I'm the lucky one. He makes me smile and laugh and those are two really important things to me.

I keep trying to make things work in my life though. I keep looking for a job, and I keep practicing for my grad school auditions and I keep my hopes up that my life with J will get back to normal... but only one of those hopes seems even slightly feasible. I know that the job will come when the time is right, but the practicing is the only surity. I know I'll get in somewhere, it's just a question of where. Life with J though? Oh goodness I don't know. It takes two to try and I keep trying to keep the lines of communication open, but I don't know what else to do. I'm no longer going to just "pop" over to his house though. I guess I want him to want me there, not just surprising him with my presence. I want him to want me in general. I don't doubt his wanting me sexually. That's never even a question in my mind. I know he loves me... I just don't know what that means.

Ever since this pregnancy scare I've felt like my days with him are numbered. I don't know why because I have no desire to leave. I'm even willing to consider giving up my dream of one more child. It's a huge sacrifice on my behalf if I go through with it. It's giving up on something that I've wanted for years now. I've understood that I won't get the 4 I originally wanted for a while now, but to be told that this last one just isn't going to happen is like having my heart ripped out. This one I've planned for. It's not going to happen this year, or next, but I've planned for it to happen once I'm done with grad school. I want it with J, but he doesn't want any more children. So now I'm faced with deciding if this is a deal breaker. I don't think he'd respond well to the prospect of staying with me if I chose to go the IVF route with a donor. I'd rather have his child - regardless of his fears that the child would arrive as a special needs child. *sigh* I would love it anyways because it would be a child conceived in love. That's something I want more than anything for any child. I may not love L's dad now, but I did very much so when he was conceived and I've always been proud of that. I don't know if I'm ready to give up that dream.

Perfect Situation

I think I'm going to pull away a bit. Not from you, my non-existent internet audience, but from the people in my life. I'm tired of giving them all everything I have and having them just take and take and take and take and take, leaving me with nothing left but sheer exhaustion. I need something for me, not just the remnants of myself and my dignity. Not everyone takes for granted what I offer, some actually seem to treasure it, but so many just say an insincere thanks and beat the living shit out of it and then wonder why I don't talk to them all that often. I'm tired of them. Unfortunately, you can't just throw aside family and they all seem to think that you'll be there when they need you, but send a huge "fuck you my life is more important" when you need them.

I guess I'm just sick of feeling alone. Sure I have friends. I have lots them. All over the country and some even all over the world. But they can come and go as they please and they will. Family? Please. I barely have one. I have one brother who actually cares what happens in my life but can't be there for me cause he's just as bad off as I am and one cousin who cares too, but he's got too much drama in his life to be able to be there for anyone but him. Plus he's still a kid and I don't want to take that from him. The rest of my family could give a flying fuck if I were around next week. Hell, given my child's behavior this week, I doubt he'd really care either. I'm tired of always relying on my best friend, S, for all of my familial support. It's not fair to her and it's certainly unfair to her family. Her parents had 2 kids for a reason: they didn't want 3. So, I try to make up for it. I try constantly to make up for it in my relationships, in my friendships, and by showering my child with affection and trying to tell him I always think the best of him, but it doesn't help.

I talked yesterday with my therapist about my mother. She asked me a question no one has ever asked me: Do you think your mother loves you? My honest, gut reaction answer is No, but she tries. Then she asked, Do you think your mother likes you? My answer has always been, No. We're too different and to be honest if she weren't my mother, she'd probably have nothing to do with me. It's the sense of duty and attachment that draws her to me. I can't even begin to describe how horrible and terrible and lonely that feels to acknowledge that you don't think your mother loves or even likes you. I've always wondered what it feels like to be P or B. It's so obvious how proud of them she is and how much she cares for them. She brags about them constantly, even to me. Yet I can hear the half-heartedness in her voice when she says she's proud of me. *sigh* I wish I knew what to do. I think this why it hurt so much when my dad rejected me. He was the one parent who I knew was proud of me, who I thought loved me and who I thought liked me. He was never there though when I was little and this last rejection wasn't the first.

To be truthful, I believe with my entire being that I was the child that was born in an attempt to save their marriage. I was the culmination of their hopes that things would get better and when it didn't happen, they both wanted to reject me, but mom got stuck with me because dad was too drunk and selfish to care for a child on his own. So dad won that battle and never really had to look back.I feel she resented me. I felt her resentment, but never got an answer why she resented me, but I don't believe there's any coincidence that by the time I was a year old there was a divorce underway. Their gamble failed. Hell, I almost had a baby to save my marriage, but decided against it... no child deserves that.

Blue Lips

I've been asked out by three different men in the last week. I'm flattered. It's nice to feel attractive and wanted by the opposite sex, but instead all I feel is like a whore. I haven't done anything and I feel horribly because there is a part of me that wants to say yes. I know it's just because J and I are having a rough patch because of the pregnancy scare. We're trying to fix things and this just feels like the easy out. There's a part of me that also wants to tell J about these men wanting me and asking me to coffee or dinner, but it will accomplish nothing but make him jealous and I don't want that. I don't want him to think that every time a man talks to me, be he friend or stranger, that I'm going to leave him for that man because I won't. I love him and that's not changing any time soon. I guess I'm just shocked that these total strangers would find me this attractive. I've never had that before. *sigh* I'm beautiful in the eyes of strangers... I just pray that J sees that too.

Somebody that I used to know

I almost ran into S yesterday evening. He works at Barnes and Noble and I had to go to the Sprint store next door to get my phone fixed. I had 2 hours to kill and decided to head there after an hour of farting around trying to avoid it. I found myself wondering just why I'm so scared to see him, because it's not just avoiding him for the sake of avoiding conflict. It's pure fear. I know part of it is that he knows me so fucking well that he can manipulate me without my catching on until it's too late. I used to think he was the love of my life. The person who completed me like none other, but I acknowledge now that I was so wrong. It wasn't that he completed me, it was just that it was so comfortable and familiar. He was the first person I made love to and I equated that with forever. I won't say it meant nothing, because it was the right person at the right time and he made it not nearly as frightening as it could have been. I don't regret that. I do regret putting so much emphasis on him that lasted until I was 25 when I finally pushed him off his pedestle. 10 years of believing he was my answer took a lot out of me and I'm not proud of it. So I went into Barnes and Noble cognizant of all this and knowing that he was there. I didn't run into him thankfully, but I know that all I needed to think or say was that he's just somebody that I used to know. Because that's true. I don't know him anymore. He doesn't know me. His removal from my life altered me immeasurably and I'm grateful for it. I'm more cautious now and I think more thoroughly before I speak. I make sure that what I say is not only important, but not going to do any undue harm. If I know what I have to say is gonna hurt someone, I'm less likely to say it. *sigh* It makes things difficult, but I hate hurting anyone. I know it's the time of year that's messing with me. But eventually this will pass. It has before and it will again.

Raining in Baltimore

So, I went to see J last night. First time I'd seen him since our pregnancy scare. It was so awkward and uncomfortable that at one point I went to the bathroom and cried cause I didn't think he really wanted me there. Thankfully I was wrong. Eventually things relaxed and we both felt more comfortable. He ended up teaching me how to drive stick in a strip mall parking lot which was fun if not scary. I've never been... allowed to learn how to drive stick. Personally it seems like a lot of hassle just to get somewhere and needless since there is such a thing as automatic transmission. Maybe I'm just silly like that, but I don't get why everyone says that driving stick is better. Whatever... We went back to his place after a stop off for a walk by the capitol and I ended up taking a cat nap on his shoulder. Nothing really happened and that was perfect for me. Exactly what I needed.

Granted we did talk about a few things that had been bothering me... grad school for one. I think for now I've assuaged his fears, but what he doesn't seem to get is just how important this is to me. It's my dreams we're talking about and I've been determined to get through my doctorate no matter what it takes for a very long time. We also talked briefly about some of the things he said to me when he was upset. I don't really think they bear repeating at this point, but they really hurt me and upset me. My bff's think I need to walk from the relationship and part of me is scared they're right. For now I'm following my heart and my gut and hoping they keep steering me right.

One thing that's been bothering me a lot lately is I'm thinking about S more and more. I think it's the time of year to be honest, but I just don't understand how someone who was such a huge part of your life at one point can become nothing in the blink of an eye. I miss him, his humor, our inside jokes, but I don't miss his manipulation, his passive-aggressiveness, or the way he used to make me feel small and insignificant. I loved him though and a part of me still does. It's thankfully a very small part, but every now and then it begs to be heard and paid attention to and try as I might to ignore it, it never works. I don't in any way think that he and I could have made it work though. He mistreated almost everyone in his life except his friends. I wish I had been one of his friends. Maybe then I'd never have had to deal with his passive aggressivism and his need to alienate everyone who genuinely cares for him.... Oh well. The past is the past and while it's sometimes necessary to visit with its ghosts there's no point in reliving it.

Pretend to be Nice

Things have been weird in my life lately. I wouldn't say I'm avoiding J but I'm certainly noticing that it takes effort to seek him out. I'm not mad at him either. I'm just... uncomfortable, I guess. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Easy, happy and both of us wanting to spend time with each other. I may be hormonal from my period, but he didn't have to point it out. It's not the only reason I get upset. Maybe there's actually some legitimacy to my feelings. *sigh* but he's going to think what he's going to think I suppose. People have been asking me if he's controlling, but I don't know how to answer them. He's certainly less open to things than I am, but I think that's just him being stubborn and set in his ways because no one has ever challenged him or how he thinks. I try to, but I'm not out to change who he is. I'm just here to love him and I do.

The biggest fear I have is grad school. I don't want it to break us up, but there is no way I'm giving up my dreams for anyone. I don't want that to be something L thinks is okay. No one should ever stand in the way of your dreams and I won't let J do that. I don't think he wants to either... I just don't think he's open to a long distance relationship either. Isn't love supposed to be able to survive anything? Especially when you're committed to someone like I am? I wish there were an easy answer, but the other thing that scares me about it is that he's cheated in the past. Would he run back to his lover if I were consistently gone? I'm terrified that he would. Hell every time we fight I'm scared that he's going to do that. I know he's not like every other guy on the planet, but he's a man who has cheated in the past and it's a valid concern. He might not think so, but once a cheater... is the doctrine I was raised on. I trust him though. I just get scared about that stuff sometimes, and I know it's more about me than it is him. I guess in a lot of ways I don't think I'm worth someone's undivided attention and love, but we learn from our past and that's all my past has really taught me. Hell even S tried to cheat towards the end. I say tried cause I caught him at it and he didn't have the balls to go through with it in the end. Anyways... I just want grad school so badly. I have my schools picked and applications started and audition pieces are being chosen and I'm getting excited about it. I know I can do it too... Music history was a good starting point, but performance is where my heart truly lies and if I'm going to teach at the college level, I have to get off my ass and get this going. It's not like I can't teach history classes along with voice lessons and opera workshops. Things are going to be fantastic and I just hope J wants to be there for the ride.

looking out

So, I'm not pregnant. One thing off my plate and truth be told I am relieved, but there is the part of me that is heartbroken. I'm working hard to keep that a very small part, but it's not. I make no secret of the fact that I very much would love another child... after talking with J last night I doubt very much that it will ever come to pass. I guess I'm now mourning the loss of the chance of having more. He's too scared we'd end up with a special needs child and that I'd die just having the child. Understandable concerns, but I don't believe in being ruled by fear. I'm considering getting my tubes tied nonetheless. Then no one has to to worry about anything. Hell, I'd get the whole thing removed if I could. But I still want more. *sigh*

God knows I don't want to render myself infertile... I'm just reacting out loud... I just don't know what to do lately. I'm so lost and scared and just need a fucking hug right now.

what can i say?

Life is just falling apart for me. I'm stressed beyond all barriers and I don't know what to do. I'm feeling horribly alone lately. L is acting out and making life miserable. He got kicked off the bus and thankfully I'm unemployed because who else is gonna pick him up from school. I'm tired of him throwing attitude at me every day and everyone seems to have an opinion on how to deal with it when all I want is someone to LISTEN. I want to be able to bitch without someone saying "you know what you should do..." or some other condescending variation that involves some insight that should help with him when they aren't his parent and haven't dealt with him everyday since his birth. His ODD has been worse than ever lately. I like to think I got through to him yesterday, but somehow I doubt it. He just doesn't listen to me and I don't want to resort to corporal punishment to get my point across. I'm completely against it. Unfortunately, I'm running out of options. Telling him how disappointed I am in him only gets me a resentful glare nowadays.

I'm also freaking out because I might be pregnant. So much for drunken sex, right? I can't believe I'm in this position. I feel like such a disgusting whore for it too. J is pulling away and I don't know what to think. He knows there could be a baby, and still he is just increasingly distant. I'm feeling completely alone in this and I don't know what to do.

The last reason I have for feeling so alone is my mother. I keep trying to please her and I never will. I will never make her proud of me. I often find myself wondering what it's like to have a mother who loves you unconditionally, who supports you unconditionally and who accepts you make mistakes, but loves you anyways. I've never had that. I've never had anyone really care about me the way a mom should. I'm terrified I'm going to be just as bad a mom as she's been. I find myself hating her and I feel even worse about it, but it's true. Every time I talk to her, I end up feeling worse about myself than I did before I talked to her. I'm trapped in my own vicious circle and I just want to be able to be strong enough to just walk away and never need a mom again, but I'm weak and keep on wishing for this mother that's never going to happen. I want the kind of mom who sends you little cards saying I love you or care packages cause she knows I've had a shitty week/month/year but that's just not in the cards for me. I get the distant mom who thinks my brother P can do no wrong and thinks my brother B is the tortured artist of amazing promise. I find myself wondering what that must be like... especially P's position. How amazing that must be to have a mom who loves you no matter what, who thinks the sun shines out your ass and who would do anything for you... I feel like I've never had any of that. I'm the perenial fuck-up who can't do anything right. I'm the ingrate who should be grateful for back-handed affection that is full of barbs. Barbs that fuck me over psychologically for weeks at a time and make me feel like the loneliest person on the fucking planet. I'm alone. And it fucking sucks. I want a group of friends that can make me a family, but I'll still end up spending Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. I keep trying to make little families every where, but regardless, they all have families of their own... with siblings that love to see them and parents who ask about their lives with genuine interest. This stupid picture of domestic bliss that I'm horribly jealous of. I'm horribly foolish to be so jealous, but it's just me being starved for affection and being unable to do anything about it. I try to shower L with the affection I never got, but that never seems to help me feel any better. The best part is, if my mother ever read this, she would crucify me for it. She would use every guilt trip inducing comment in her arsenal to make me feel ashamed for having written something like this about her. Thankfully, no one reads this anyways.